although this is not what i'm usually do, but somewhat,
at this moment, i just feel like, i need to share....
not to anyone,
but just to express the inner thoughts out.
ok, since the title is letting go,
obviously this post is gonna be about the past* relationship.
it ended on the 30th of may, a day before (Her) birthday,
it's painful, but this is somewhat not our choice,
( at least this is not what i really wanted)
in this two years relationship,
we been through lots of shit together, and we made it through so far,
till this moment when both suggested to end each other misery...
i will never forget that moment,
the moment that i have choose to let you go,
to find a better one in life.
people reading this might think that i'm a hypocrite or some loser trying to gain some sympathies,
i can't stop what you guys think,
but save your comment for yourself please...
i must say, the beginning of this relationship is rather confusing,
under a random occasion, both of us were brought together,
through friends that i have not been contacting for a long time,
but unexpectedly, it lasted,
at least two years....
in the very beginning,
her side of friend go on to say that,
the problem of age is gonna pull us apart,
maybe not now, but soon...
betting was on going,
some say three month, some say less.....
the first few friends of her that i got to interact is her sibling, and a few friends namely chee ming, jessica, irene, lily
ok...
i will start off from her friends.
chee ming apparently has a girlfriend called Jessica, (i'm not sure if i gotten her name right, but anyway she aint that significant, so she will be label as J in this post)
so i clearly remembered that, wei ming, (those who manage to read this post should know who he is,
a wonderful man that you will never want to meet in your life/ =) )
is joining this MLM company, and since chee ming is a army signed on chap, wei ming approached him and asked him to join in, i was also dragged in to the picture, but since we were not that close for that moment, i only lent him a couple of hundred dollar.
BUT this is not the main point of this post,
according to what i remember, wei ming cheated chee ming money, or maybe cheated is not appropriate, i should say, he took his money without chee ming consent and claim that
" i thought you will lent it to me, so i just took it"
people, if you are reading this,
how ridiculous can this be ?
i mean, if you want to borrow money from someone,
the least you have to do is at least to ask that person if he or she is even willing to lent you the money first right ??
anyway both of them fall out,
being in between really suck,
one side is (HER) sibling boyfriend, and another was my friend.......
anyway eventually chee ming and i fall out too...
because he is seeing this girl and he borrowed some money from me and refuse to return it...
complicated story,
so i think it is not necessary to illustrate here.
so you might be wondering how does this affect out relationship...
so why not you place yourself in my shoes and have a thought about it,
(meanwhile)
(wei ming got kicked out of school by then)
so i have to go out with someone who apparently have zero cents in his pocket and have to live of his gf,
although he will always claim that, in their relationship they will always go on dutch,
but i can honestly tell you
people around you all,
can see that your gf is contributing all the money all along,
although they dint say it, but its clear to us that you are always spending her money.,..
because for each time when she is out of cash,
she turn to her sibling,
and the only one that is willing to help her,
is the poor second sis....
knowing that she is always skipping her meal just to save money for the family really ache me much,
so to contribute in helping her,
i will save my allowance (still studying in poly) every month, so that in times of need i will be able to help her along, be it financially or anything else...
so this when on for a few month,
going out as one, bu have to pay for 4....
but its alright, still both enjoyed, at least for me, i'm expose to stuff that i have never tried before...
(currently trying to finish the Absolut vodka that we brought)
hereby i can say that, both of us have never argue before,
i mean things that concern just both of us,
many of the time is about HER friends,
there is once, she suspected that i'm on going with her friend irene.
LOL,
i have to say, she is one sensitive girl,
always thinking that i will have a affair with someone else,
but i wont blame her,
because having to living in a environment where most of their (other one) goes to cheat on them,
i feel her......
i always complain that she is too sensitive,
but only until now, i came to realize,
being sensitive is just a girls rights.
she lead a very complicated life,
i must say, all her past relationship is a total failure,
her EX uses violence, abusive words on her...
(sobbing now)
while on the other hand,
she had never hurl and single profanities,
not as i know,
(only once, the day my grandma passed on)
(confusion right now)
i think the only one that will get access to this is probably her sibling of even she herself,
perhaps she will share this with her new ONE*
but for who ever that is with her,
if you see this,
don't worry,
i'm pretty sure i am out of her life,
and you better take good care of her....
because if there is a day,
just one day,
when i learnt that you mistreated her,
i will spend all cost to take you DOWN,
not to threaten, but after so long,
i think she is still the one that i haven learnt how to let go,
(memories flashing right now)
we been to a few countries before, not those far one,
something like Malaysia, Indonesia, Thailand( ya Thailand, she just went there, with who? i'm not sure, but deep down i really hate to see this, i must admit, i'm jealous, like a little boy got his toy snatched away)
below will be the description of the trip,
MALAYSIA
as far as i remember, i think we went to malaysia once or twice,
but i only remember one.
the one when we wake up early in the morning to catch the bus
(when i say early in the morning, i don't really mean it, because she is one lazy girl that will roll on the bed for a few hours before getting up)
if i'm not wrong, we reached the bus station at around 11.45,
why 11.45, and you might wonder why i can remember...
it's because i'm looking at OUR photo right now, and my watch say that time,
(proud of myself, i'm so meticulous)
anyway, the trip was fun, ( ????)
i think,
before we reach there, she say that the KFC there have those very big chicken and she say that we are so gonna go there for their chicken!
so when we got there, she try to find everywhere, but yet we just can't find it,
the childish me, threw my temper, and argue with her,
so she brought me to another place where we have a similar thing
OMG!
i cant believe i'm actually sharing this...
LOL.
perhaps it is there vodka that is taking effect,
SO,
after the meal, we when on shopping, buying lots of stuff,
for people who know her well,
you guys will know that her shopping list will never be lack of FOOD
(laughing at the computer like a moron)
we ended up with donuts, and lots of chips
we also brought some present for her family and friends,
i still remember it is irene and lily birthday present that we brought,
anyway, went we are about to go back,
we went to this fish foot reflexology
(those that they uses fish to eat people dead skin)
im the only one who go for it, since she is afraid of fishes,
the last meal down there was at a restaurant,
we order a meal cause i have eating disorder**
(ya, i have eating disorder, i cant eat, i'm a loser, i cant even do something she love so much with her)
disclaimer
for those who read this post,
especially the one that she is with right now,
you better be someone that can EAT,
because i feel that,
it is because of me, she did not really enjoyed food before....
although i don't really eat much, she will always be willing to spend any amount to buy food that is of little amount but expensive just for me =(
(sobbing again )
i must admit, she is the one that introduce me to what is real enjoyment of food,
although most of the time we will only order only one meal,
i think we still enjoy it,
or i still enjoy it
(eating fastfood, we i only eat fries and she will take the burger)
all this is pure lovely memories,
so at around 9 plus, we head back to Singapore, with lots of food, again....
lol.
(condition right now...: pretty much unstable, on much alcohol... half a bottle gone...)
THAILAND
ok, this is my first time taking a plane.
see, both of us just create moment,
so many first time moment....
anyway, we planned this Thailand trip for quite some time already...
ok maybe not we,
but her,...
(that is one good point about her, always willing to do anything for those she love)
(im not receive this love right now, but i recollecting every single memories till now)
so we went to Thailand, knowing that there is actually a riot down there,
(my parent were worried like one *******)
anyway hell lots of memories back there
went we first got there, we took a taxi to our hotel,
we all know that Thailand is a not very safe country,
or maybe it is just me...
anyway, i still remember our hotel name,
it;s called (asterasaton)
so when we reached there, we got cheated...
lol
the meter show 380 butt, but the drive claim that he helped us to pay 60 butt for the express highway, and we ended up paying more...
anyway,
money is power,
and we just paid...
so when we reach the hotel,
being a typical Singaporean, we tipped the worker down there,
and the benefit was,
king treatment from them..
one example is,
even before we reach the hotel, one of the stuff is already at the door step, opening the door for us, and help us carry our stuff,
cool shit right..
omg!
(listening to Paramore - The Only Exception)
(heart ache)
anyway, when we first got there, we when to random place,
and got cheated again...
the whole trip is cheat and cheat..
we when to this bar,
and got a beer, which is suppose to cost 100 butt,
but we end up having to pay 4800 butt..
shit that.
anyway, still i must say,
it is moment....
that we created...
(for people who know me)
i have very poor sense of direction
(so extreme that i will even get lost when i'm out of the toilet...)
talking about poor sense of direction...
we quarrel even at Thailand...
the funniest part...
i walk all by myself, and a moment later... i realize im lost.
so lucky so is just behind me...
leading me back to the right way..
(can you imagine.. i am so angry.. i walked alone, and after awhile, came to realize that i actually got the wrong way...)
(laughing at myself again)
(vodka left, 1/4)
ok, i think i will not illustrate more, cause i think my sobbing just got worse.
anyway, i have been a few months already...
i think i will just have to let go.
but shit myself...
i have been telling the whole world that i have let go,
but i think i'm kinda lying to myself...
two years. letting go is use not what i can do right now...
not so soon....
i might have gotten my so called life back,
but still i feel that i'm missing life right now...
if you remember, i had once told you,
i relay on you very much..
although i dont express it out,
but this thought is always on my mind.
for the past few month,
i have been escaping.
did do much shit**
just to run away from reality..
FML really.
i still log in to your facebook to see if you are doing fine,
still keeping track of your life...
wondering if you are doing well...
anyway, looking at what your facebook show.. i think you are doing well.
back to the day when my grandma passed on...
(wow, dam, tears dropping like a water tap right now)
im actually having exam back at that time,
so my parent actually hide this from me,
i'm the last one to know that my grandma have passed on...
the feeling really suck..
and at that moment, when i learnt that news.
the only one that i can think of is still you..
i whatapps you, but you claim that you did not receive anything..
i try to contact you the next day.. but you did not reply( while, meanwhile you are using your phone to upload photos...
i'm not reprimanding you, perhaps is because i hurt you too deep that you chose to ignore me...
anyway,
on the third day when you replied that you just came to know it..
i;m totally pissed off...
i just got this feeling that you are lying..
i dunno why..
i think i got suffering from schizophrenia....
misery .....
painful one..
( i not sure if you still care, but i still does,)
my grandma stuff hit me really bad...
i turned to more shit.
shit that i know i will regret eventually,
but i just cant stop.
(on my bed right now)
anyway, i still have to let go, to move on, to lead a better life,
just not long ago, a friend of my just told me this,
(it is not the whole world that you have to convince, its yourself that you have to prove to)
ok, i always understand this,
but i think it just take time to move on................................
to heal this painful memories...
(just for you)
my birthday is around the corner,
this special day is still kept for you,
i know you wont be there, but on that day, i will be alone,
spending the time walking on every single place we been through,
recollecting every single memories that we created....
be it, a simple one or anything else........
you are still the one that will etch in my mind, maybe not forever, but i am sure this will last a very long while..
i guess you have moved on,
leading a new life with a new guy.
all the best.
that all i can say.....
if you happen to read this,
please dont show any sympathies,
because i dont need it at all.
(man ego)
i need a hug right now..
anyone...
telling me that i doing fine...
this few month really lead me to a new perspective of life.
i understand that, one will never cherish until you lost it...
for the two years of relationship,
you are always there for me,
i must say, i'm always childish, demanding things that will place you in a difficult spot.
ouch...
(bad headache now...)
ok, not in good condition to post further,
till then... tatas.
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